No, no, the world is still in tact, and I've just come a-wandering back to the realm of online blogging again. I can't believe it's been...years since I've written in here! So much has happened since my trip to Scotland, since moving out to LA, since starting a new relationship. There was no way I could have imagined myself being where I am today, no sir. But today I write in here not because I want to journal about what happened these past couple of years, but because I need to let out some pent-up emotions that seem to have bogged me down lately. This is my only outlet. 

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore; part of me hopes that nobody does, and the other part of me hopes that there are a few who still care. Either way, here goes...

I struggle with inadequacy. Whether it's because I am such a perfectionist to which I can never be satisfied, or that I've got an inferiority complex and fear people's judgement, it makes me feel so small and helpless. Where do these feelings come from? I honestly know not. But it sure is exasperated when you are in a relationship; there's no denying that. 

There would be no way that a man could fulfill this void inside of me; men are prone to failure and will let me down. It's been proven. I am praying that God could fill this hole and make me whole again. What stinks is that I never seem to feel whole.

 

 

As a kid, one of my favorite pastimes was skipping stones across the surface of a smooth lake. Inevitably, ripples would flow from the impact of the stone.

It’s like that with choices. Every choice we make creates a ripple effect on our lives as well as on the lives of others. The choices we have made throughout life determine where we are and what we are becoming.

Choices are also telling. What we really want, love, and think show up in the choices we make.

It’s no wonder then that Paul urged us to make “excellent” choices—choices that emanate from a heart fully committed to Jesus. He stated that when our love abounds in knowledge and discernment, we are able to understand what is best, so that we may “approve the things that are excellent” (Phil. 1:9-10). Excellent choices are the proof of a life that is deeply committed to Jesus and His ways, and they have the ripple effect of filling our lives “with the fruits of righteousness which are by Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God” (v.11).

As a friend of mine wisely told me, our lives are not made by the dreams we dream but by the choices we make. Let’s make excellent ones! ---joe stowell.

i should not allow myself to ponder silly thoughts. especially when these thoughts turn into a personal reality masking the truth.  but what is the truth?  and how am i to face it? or rather, how do i accept it?  i am utterly confused. 

 

I whispered, 'I am too young,'
And then, 'I am old enough';
Wherefore I threw a penny
To find out if I might love.
'Go and love, go and love, young man,
If the lady be young and fair.'
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
I am looped in the loops of her hair.

O love is the crooked thing,
There is nobody wise enough
To find out all that is in it,
For he would be thinking of love
Till the stars had run away
And the shadows eaten the moon.
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
One cannot begin it too soon.

wby

just for once, i would like to have normal parents, normal grades, normal problems...a normal life. 

it was so great when i met someone who had a very normal, simple, and what he dubbed an "uninteresting" life.  i liked it.  really wish i had it.  would like to be a part of it again.